Who Ya Gunna Call?

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Green and gooey, this monster-like mass continuously compelled to consume; an insatiable appetite reaching realms of relentless proportions; sludgy, gross gunk left in its wake; a subtle producer of vague chaos; any given kitchen stood a better chance standing its ground against a feral, famished pack of teenagers – padlocking the refrigerator and pantry won’t keep this annoying apparition away.  Home was the Sedgewick Hotel when we first met this anti-social, unfriendly ghost and the staff put up with its shenanigans for as long as they could, making every effort to keep things in check and the establishment functioning flawlessly.  By all accounts, Slimer cared solely about stuffing its face – an affirmative inconvenience, however, nothing uncommonly menacing or violent took place as far as ghosts go.  But in time and under certain circumstances, even that became too much of an encumbrance; it could no longer be contained – situations were becoming increasingly dicey; action was necessary; the issue required resolution.  So who did they decide to call?  I think we all know so I’ll spare the dramatics – Bill Murray & Associates came in and took care of business.

Some kids were militant in their loyalty to G.I Joe while others found their strength getting lost in the pages of comic books.  I was all about the Ghostbusters, for a stretch of time, and when I think about the personality Slimer embodied, I can, to this day, relate my own flaws and character defects to it – particularly the imagery of Slimer chowing down at the room service cart, slabs of food falling straight through and directly down onto the floor of the hotel hallway.  To me, Slimer sort of represents a manifestation of the empty-void I sense within myself – endlessly consuming, in spite of never being filled; leaving behind my own version of unsavory slime wherever I may roam – the wreckage of my past.  For a time, the people nearest me could handle an occasional drunk incident and look past a hangover or ten, chalking it up to living through my early twenties – it’s normal, that’s what folks do in their early twenties – true for many; false for me.  I can’t pin point it, but the day came where I brought my destiny to fruition and crossed the line, flipped the switch; an irreversible switch and a line I could never retreat back across – much to the chagrin of myself and everybody in my life, Bill Murray & Associates weren’t available to save the day.

With the Ghostbusters being a generally impractical option, “who ya gunna call?” when that uneasy emptiness inside starts creeping its way into consciousness or our own “slime” in life reaches capacity, breaching the banks of our river to ruin?  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that once we pass that threshold of no return, the ensuing situation is left beyond any measure of human aid; that a spiritual remedy is required to remain rational; to rise from the depths of distress and climb to that ostensibly unattainable crest of contentment – shattering the sadistic cycle of suffering; autonomy at last.  Still, there is one troubling dilemma blocking my path – I haven’t quite locked in on what spirituality means to me; I’m not confident in what I believe to be my higher power – two crucially important aspects of long-term sobriety that could potentially occupy that void which bedevils me; an antidote to the alcohol, the over-eating, under-eating, women, sex, Netflix binges, isolation, and every other unhealthy Band-Aid solution that materializes in this muffled melon of mine.

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Most treatment centers or rehabs that promote the 12-step path to recovery hold at least one group therapy session to address what qualities your individual higher power might personify.  Everybody then randomly screams out different traits like, “all powerful” or “forgiving” or “unconditionally loving” – occasionally something to the tune of, “major pimp” or “swagged out playa” slips through the cracks – kids these days, ya know? But I think you get the gist; all the while the group facilitator is writing these random, yet positive personality traits on a dry-erase board in list format.  When the board is filled, the facilitator turns around and says, “why not let this be your higher power?”  Now – that’s all well and good, in theory, but it just doesn’t do it for me – I still can’t put a face on it; what do I do? Put Bill Murray’s face to all these character traits and call that my higher power?  Maybe I can pray to Mr. Murray temporarily, but I’m trying to determine or compute what my long term, eternal higher power actually is – for real; what it actually looks like to me; and much to my dismay, I’m not confident that Bill can be my permanent solution. 

There is a lot I still need to look at within myself; a lot of rigorous, honest work to be done – but I’ve recognized that this time around things are slowly starting to feel a little different; my approach and attitude has reached a point of sheer desperation – and no matter how big the mountain gets that stands in my way; no matter how far down the rabbit hole I am or how much life wishes to brew up storms of shit and send them my way, I sense a slight feeling of ease wash over me from time to time; like it’s going to all work out how it’s supposed to.  I’m not sure why I get this feeling; maybe it’s because I feel I have nothing left to lose at this point; an authentic “rock bottom” – and as for answers; I don’t have them; for now, the question prevails: “who ya gunna call?”

11 thoughts on “Who Ya Gunna Call?”

  1. The ease you feel is you surrendering to your higher power. It is in surrender that we are held, shown that all is well. If we can learn to surrender before we hit rock bottom, that is the ticket to our freedom.
    ❤️ great work! You’re getting there. Keep going, keep surrendering.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Chris! You, too! Though I had difficulty with the DT one. It was too close to home or something. I’ll try again sometime…maybe. Glad you’re enjoying my work. And good luck to you in your journey!

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  2. To give you my answer of “who ya gonna call?” , yourself. I had the same problem with the higher power stuff until a couple years ago, as well as some of the same demons. I watched, then read, ‘The Secret’, by Ronda Byrne. Honestly, it changed my life. Look within yourself for a higher power. I’m not saying you are God, but I think that everyone should look inward for the answers. ‘what you think about, you bring about. & thoughts become things.” These are from The Secret. It made sense to me when nothing else ever had, so maybe it will help you. Good Luck friend.

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  3. This is amazing. I know the feeling. You know who I liked a lot as a kid…I can’t remember…because I’m too fucked up….

    Having subscribed to a higher power was great and brought me to states of ecstatic bliss. Divinity!!! Enlightenment!!! AHHHHH!!!! and then I started in with the delusions…part of a dissociation from what the reality was…when my world came crashing down and I began to realize I was completely disconnected from my younger self…and unsure of how real that “story” was…I started remembering how real it was. It still feels more delusional than anything I believed. It is easier for it to feel like the less likely of two stories. One in which I am a divine being who chose my reality, who everything would work out for. The other of a girl who was abused so badly she lost her identity and had to create a new one. It worked for a time. When it stopped…everything that came with it, all the positivity…well I was
    wondering if it was part of the “keep my past a dark secret” party…I am equally lost. Maybe moreso, because what is in front of me (literally) doesn’t even feel real, most time. The one thing that brought me hope was this:

    No one knows…..

    That’s it! Great motivation, right?…For me, it took a lot of the pressure off to try and figure out if my beliefs or counter beliefs or lack of beliefs were right or wrong. There is no way to know. So everyone is wondering..anyone who says they are sure 100% is a moron. This thing called faith, sounds like what you have in your gut and it is what will pull you through. Maybe you are your own hero. Even if it comes and goes. At least its based in a reality. (I think, who knows if this is the matrix) Not a fantasy. No offense intended to anyone. You choose what you believe and then you choose to change it whenever it doesn’t make sense anymore.

    You lose friends like this. So what. Some people who I loved and valued more than anything, well they fell a little off my tolerance boat, just because what they believed (which I used to) became detrimental to me. It said “what happened to you was ok” and that same mentality has caused me to minimize things that should never have been minimized. Keep wondering if it makes you strive to work for yourself and do better. If it doesn’t, pray to BILL FUCKIN MURRAY and who gives a shit if its real, if it helps you feel like you’re getting the hell out of the goo.

    “The sign of intelligence is that you are constantly wondering. Idiots are always dead sure about every damn thing they are doing in their life.” ― Jaggi Vasudev

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  4. I know a lot of people that have a really hard time believing in the whole “higher power” thing. Me being one of them. I honestly think that each one of us has something “higher” in us. Kinda like what the Buddhists teach… We all have Buddha nature in us. We just need to tap into it. We need to find that piece of us.

    Between reading things about addiction, Buddhism, and books by Dr. Wayne Dyer – I have formulated my own little “higher power” thing. A lot of it comes down to self-love and respect.

    There is no magic pill, and what works for one person may not work for another… it is a struggle – but it is soo worth it.

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    1. a magic pill would be nice though, huh? yea, the higher power is, next to actually laying down my ego and asking for help, the most difficult part of the recovery journey for me…it’s a work in progress for sure – its nice to hear encouraging words about how much it is really worth it though, so thank you!

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      1. Shit man, wouldn’t it be?
        A work in progress, is still progress 🙂
        Working at my sobriety and my mental health has brought me some of the best days of my life – and brought me to some things I never would have thought I would do (in a good way) Keep working it. You’ve got this.

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  5. Hasn’t Bill Murray evolved from Ghostbuster to St Vincent? Dude, he really could be your higher power! 😉

    I digress…. this is weighty stuff you’re dealing with. A Higher Power is so personal, so intimate. I hope it unfolds and reveals itself as you journey within your recovery. You deserve a sense of ease, some peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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